


Next Time 'Round

by RosaLui



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/M, Gen, Jon Snow Knows Where to Put It, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2018-01-19 17:05:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1477357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosaLui/pseuds/RosaLui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em><strong>MSNBC Breaking News:</strong> Heir to Stark Fortune Snubs Merger with Billionaire Walder Frey; Frey Retaliates with Vicious Attack on Twitter.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Next Time 'Round

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I just get really sad that they can't all live, grow up, and grow old with their amazing messed-up families. (Or: How I dealt with Red Wedding in lieu of therapy.)
> 
> The title is from _In Another Life_ by Vienna Teng.

**_MSNBC Breaking News_ ** _: Heir to Stark Fortune Snubs Merger with Billionaire Walder Frey; Frey Retaliates with Vicious Attack on Twitter._

* * *

"You had an _obligation_ ," Robb Stark's mother told him in aggravated tones, voice tinny through the phone. "You skipped a business meeting _to elope with your girlfriend_ -"

Robb shared a dubious look with the massive wolfhound lying curled at his feet beneath the kitchen table. The wedding couldn't have been helped, really. His new wife had needed to leave the next day for her third tour as a field medic in the Peace Corps.

"- that Frey's business is under investigation for human rights violations," Catelyn was saying. "The workplace harassment lawsuits should keep him busy, thank God."

Their conversation was derailed as Arya padded sleepily down the stairs, enveloped in her thinning Northwall Private School Shooting Club t-shirt and old grey sweatpants. Her giant wolfhound loped silently at her heels.

"Arya's home visiting from school," Robb said. He weighed his little sister's wrath against the merits of a good distraction, then continued, "She's got a boyfriend."

Brown eyes narrowed at him over the top of the open fridge door.

"It was bound to happen eventually," Catelyn sighed. "Have her bring him round the manor for dinner on Sunday night. If he's anything like Sansa's last we can always bury him in the back garden."

Robb relayed the information. "At least Sansa's broken up with that – "

"Prick," Arya said. She was drinking milk straight out of the carton. Again.

"Died, didn't he?" Catelyn asked, distracted.

"Killed him," said Arya into her milk.

"Syphilis," Robb told their mother.

"Jon has a girlfriend too," Arya said, grabbing a box of poptarts and turning to ascend the stairs. "Except he's afraid to say so because she's the one wearing the pants."

* * *

**_MSNBC Morning Show_ ** _: Eddard Stark on Retirement, Inheritence, and his Rivalry with Lannister Incorporated._

* * *

Jon Snow had been at university for two weeks when he met Ygritte. It took exactly three minutes to realize that she was terrifying, as were most people raised to eat raw bear meat and wrestle moose in the Siberian wilderness.

He had still been stuttering his way through a self-introduction the first time she dared him to touch her tits. By the end of the night, she had punched him in the face twice, the second columnating in crazed and unnecessarily embarrassing wankage as she rode his face in a stall of the frat house bathroom.

"You blush like a shy baby," said Ygritte, pulling up her pants. "Like you never heard a girl talk about wanting to see your cock before."

Jon tripped, one leg back in his jeans, and managed, "My family always taught me not to speak like that in front of a lady."

"Do you think your parents never fucked each other, little boy?"

They hadn't, Jon was sure. They had hugged and slept holding hands above the covers and then one day Jon and all the rest had just... been there.

_They're honorable and noble and use the recycling bin properly,_ he tried to explain, but just ended up saying, "You wouldn't understand."

"Because you're a proper little rich boy, Jon Snow?" She opened the stall and stepped out, looking over her shoulder. "Or because if I came home with ye, I'd find out they're not the stiff-necked prudes you think they are?"

"I'm not a _proper little rich_ – you are _not coming home with me_."

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Jon_

_Can I maybe bring someone home for dinner?_

**_From:_ ** _Robb_

_girlfriend? :D_

* * *

**_From_ ** _: Jon_

_Ygritte wants to come home w me_

**_From:_ ** _Theon_

_R U GOING TO SHAG HER?_

**_From:_ ** _Theon_

_U R GOING TO SHAG HER_

**_From:_ ** _Theon_

_GET IT_

* * *

The university's culinary arts program was acclaimed, having nurtured many Michelin-starred chefs over the years; it was home to a respectably talented and rich student body.

All of whom looked utterly horrified when Jon burst into a lesson on the art of the souffle, hair askew and face panicked as he slid to a stop in front of a startled Sam Tarly.

"You have to come home with me on Sunday," said Jon.

Sam raised his eyebrows, hands still covered in flour. "Why's that, then?"

"You have to stop me from killing myself with a baguette in the middle of dinner," said Jon.

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Jon Snow_

_They said you can come. Please be on your best behaviour._

**_From:_ ** _Ygritte_

_can i tel ur family about how u don't kno where to put it_

**_From_ ** _: Jon Snow_

_I KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT_

**_From_ ** _: Ygritte_

_U KNO NOTH1NG_

* * *

**_BBC Evening News:_ ** _Midnight Attempt Made on Jaime Lannister's Life; Attacker Invaded Bedroom; Assault Rebuffed by Tyrell Head of Security Brienne Tarthsen, Inexplicably Already On-Scene._

* * *

"Then he told me to call him back when I didn't need a woman to fight my battles for me," said Jaime.

"He was unimpressed with Ms Tarthsen's handling of the hit man?" Cersei asked her wine glass.

"I think he may have _sent_ the hit man," said Jaime.

There was silence in the drawing room, oak panneling and expensive curtains muffling the sounds of a lively autumn morning just outside.

"And I had expected such warmth," Tyrion said at last, pouring himself more wine.

There was a knock on the door; Cersei's most recent intern and apprentice in the ways of political savvy stuck her head in.

"Your nine o'clock is here," said Sansa, clipboard in arm and red hair pulled back.

"Mustn't keep the Prime Minister waiting," said Jaime, saluting with his wine glass.

"Father is scheduled to announce his heir tomorrow," said Cersei, gaze distant. "Stannis Baratheon is running for office, the Targaryens have left the country, and I have the Minister's ear - yet father still waits."

"God forbid he leave behind an unworthy inheritor when he retires to his billions," Tyrion agreed. "We're disappointments, all of us. After all, you're a woman."

"And you had to go and marry a hooker," said Jaime. "Again."

"Shae is my friend," Sansa snapped. "Shae has an advanced degree in thermodynamics."

* * *

**_From:_ ** _the oldest one_

_Father, please._

* * *

**_From_ ** _: the female one_

_Is it so impossible to you, the idea that I could lead this company?_

* * *

**_From_ ** _: that other one_

_I assume that there is_ someone _on this earth whom you see fit to take up the company mantle?_

**_From_ ** _: Father_

* * *

**_CNN Constant Update:_ ** _... suffers nip-slip. Stannis Baratheon runs for senator, advocates universal Christian conversion. Hamster becomes Youtube sensation in Los Angeles ..._

* * *

"Your brother in the senate – that's a horrifying thought," said Loras. He was in his army sweats, pulling his dress uniform from the closet. His weekend leave had been cut short, and he was due to ship out again the following morning.

"My brother could make a career out of standing next to Mitt Ronmey," Renly said from where he was sprawled on the bed. "He makes the man look full of personality."

"You could always –"

Renly laughed.

"You _could_."

Grimacing at the television, Renly groped blindly for the nearest phone, scrolled to Stannis's name, and typed angrily:

* * *

_You HAVE THE PERSONALITY OF A LOBSTER_

* * *

He flung the phone into the covers. "Bloody prick."

Loras looked up from smoothing out his captain's stripes. "We should do something that would make him angry. Like have lots of sex."

* * *

Breakfast in the Baratheon household dawned bright and early, as always when the Tyrells came visiting. Renly was already sipping tea and conversing quietly with his head of security when the eldest Baratheon roused himself from sleep and announced his presence.

"You little shit."

"Good morning, Robert." Renly barely glanced up as his older brother heaved his not inconsiderable body mass into the vacant seat between himself and the Tyrell matriarch.

"Shut it. Did you send Stannis a goddamn text message last night?" This was followed by the vague waving of an iPad in one meaty hand.

Renly snorted, spearing omelet with his fork. "I did."

"Then why in God's name is the morning news telling me it said, 'sent from the phone of Loras Tyrell'?"

"It doesn't," said Renly. "You don't see that. It's not actually there."

"It's because they're fucking," said grandmother Tyrell.

"Oh my God," said Renly.

"Nothing to be ashamed of," said Margaery briskly. "We've known that Brienne is fucking Jaime Lannister for ages."

"Oh my God," said Brienne.

* * *

**_FOX News 24-Hour Coverage:_ ** _Stark Passes Millions to Eldest Son; British Protestors Gather to Object Monarchic Family's Socialist Agenda_

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Arya_

_Bringing Gendry 2 dinner BE NiCE TO HIM!1_

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Anonymous_

_A girl need only command it if she wishes for a man to end a boy's life._

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Theon_

_GET THAT DICK_

* * *

"It's not that I'm nervous," said Gendry, looking up at the manor house that loomed alarmingly in the twilight, windows lit like gateways to his own personal circle of Hell. "It's just that your family has access to nuclear weapons."

"We'll be fine," said Arya, leading the way. The gravel drive crunched under her combat boots. "They'll likely have forgotten all about you by the time we sit down."

Gendry's phone buzzed alarmingly

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Robb Stark_

_If you lay a finger on our sister we will kill you with a stick and bury you under the daylily patch_

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Rickon Stark_

_WITH THE OTHERS_

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Anonymous_

_A boy has been given a warning. A boy will heed it or be separated from his manhood._

* * *

"No," said Gendry. "I kind of think they won't."

"You're right," said Arya after they entered and seated themselves around the large dinner table. "They're going to be horrid."

"Don't be silly," said Catelyn, spearing a boiled carrot with her fork and slicing it into small pieces before feeding it to the family dog.

"Especially when they find out we're going to Seattle for spring break," continued Arya.

Robb's glass shattered in his hand.

"Pass the marmalade," said Arya, while Gendry quietly shifted a hand to cover his balls.

"Seattle is out of the question," said Catelyn, grip tightening alarmingly on her steak knife.

"It's dangerous there," said Bran. "Osha told me she was involved in a mugging once."

"Did she get away safely?"

"Yeah, he didn't even see her coming until she had shanked him and stolen his wallet," said Bran, adding more salt to his potatoes.

At the head of the table, Ned Stark rubbed his forehead.

Ygritte was smirking.

Jon's phone beeped. Like a man whose execution had been delayed, he looked at the message.

* * *

**_From:_ ** _Theon_

_GET THAT PUSSAY_

* * *

Jon slapped his phone shut.

"So, Ygritte," said Ned with a determined smile. "Tell us a bit about your relationship with my son."

"He doesn't know where to put it," said Ygritte.

"Jon, stop that," said Sam, wrestling the fork away from his friend's eyeball.

* * *

**_News Tonight on the Rachel Maddow Show:_ ** _Walder Frey asphyxiates on caviar during fundraiser; shits self publicly; dies. Frey assets to be absorbed by Stark Incorporated._

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](http://rosalui.tumblr.com/) l [LJ](http://rosalui.livejournal.com/)


End file.
